The trauma of my rape experience
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February 14, 2017

The trauma of my rape experience

From a female blog reader:

I was raped by my ex fiance when I was 19.I had promised myself no sex before marriage anf he was Ok with waiting, then he started cheating and I wanted to end it. he sensed it then he begged me to come to his house on his birthday, I have never been there before I was very cautious of being alone with a guy but he was begging, I said Ok, I was very naive, when I went over he said there was a break in his area so he needs to be extra careful these days, he went out through the window and chained the door Shut, came in through the window and padlocked it too and all the other windows, I was so stupid I didn’t pick up on it, I trusted him, he even let me sleep in my own bed, later on that night he was on top of me, forcing himself in, I was screaming and in so much pains , I begged him to stop, I even promised to give him the virginity if only he will let me lubricate but he didn’t answer, I was suffocating, I must have passed out because all of a sudden he wasn’t on me, i cried till morning, he just slept off, in the morning I couldn’t find the keys,he was staring me and smiling, he thanked me for the gift of my virginity as his birthday gift, I told him it was over but he said he won’t let me go until I promise him I will still marry him, that he sensed I was going to break up with him and he knew that the only way to keep me was by taking my virginity, he knew how important it was to me that my husband disvirgin me, I was scared he might kill me so I agreed to marry him, I broke up with him via SMS when I reached safety and never told anybody why, then I met my husband 4yrs later, I never told him what happened and we never had sex until 2 weeks after our wedding, we make out fine but anytime he wants to enter my breathing will seize, I will start suffocating, I finally told him what happened one night and he consoled me and we finally had sex, I was relieved he wasn’t mad I wasn’t a virgin, but in the morning I got another shock, my husband said he only said what he said last night so he could sleep with me, that girls lie a lot about been raped,
I was devastated, he was the first person am telling about my ordreal and he used me then laughed at me in the morning, it was as if something died inside me, that was 3years ago,since that day I have never felt anything during sex, even if I am so horny and my husband comes it immediately seizes, he has apologized for not beliving me later on and he shows me a lot of love but I just don’t feel anything sexual for him, even though I love him, these days I am always horny I have tried everything but nothing works, Spanish fly, toys,kayan mata, porn, masturbation, different styles, going faster or slower, quickie or lasting long, but nothing,I feel absolutely nothing during sex, sometimes I even forget that we are having sex, he enjoys himself and tells me am the best.He tried different things for me too but nothing. Am horny 24/7, we have sex at least 3 rounds everyday but I feel nothing, what can I do.


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